Hurt Part II–Just Talk!

July 18, 2024

Hurt Part II—Just Talk!

Live life on the edge where love is real, joy is deep, and faith is required and you will occasionally get hurt by other people.  In a like manner, live life on the edge and inevitably you will sometimes cause harm to people about whom you care.

When hurt and harm occur in our relationships with other people the result is often distance, distress, and disappointment.  The challenge to closing the distance, healing the distress, and moving beyond the disappointment is that the deeper the hurt and harm the longer we hesitate to do the work of reconciliation with the other person.

Jesus has much to say about the hurt and harm we experience in our relationships.  Last week, we were reminded in Matthew 18 that Jesus says we need to acknowledge the pain we have experienced when hurt or harm occurs in one of our relationships.  In the same teaching moment, Jesus also describes a second step we must take to bring reconciliation and restoration and healing to a wounded relationship. 

Second, Jesus says we are to go to the other person and engage in a conversation. 

I know Jesus did not have access to email, texting, Facebook, and other digital forms of communicating with other people.  But, Jesus is clear that we must go to the other person so we can have a face-to-face conversation about how we feel wronged.

In Matthew 18:15 Jesus says; “If one of my followers sins against you, go and point out what was wrong.  But do it in private, just between the two of you.”  Jesus says go and talk about what went wrong in our relationship with the other person. 

I know people who have sat down on several occasions to have a face-to-face conversation with the hope of bringing resolution to the problem.  They have made the time, given the effort, and prayed over of that conversation.  Their hope and prayer is to address the hurt, work towards forgiveness, and ultimately experience reconciliation.

Sadly, I know many more people who have been hurt by someone but choose to only communicate by text, email, or Facebook…if they communicate at all.  In contrast, Jesus tells us to go to the other person and talk with the other person about the problem and the pain the problem has caused.  Too often, we ignore Jesus’ counsel and try to work out the wrongs in our relationships by sending a digital message. 

Most of the time, the problem is not reconciled and the pain is not healed through anything less than a face-to-face conversation.  Instead, what happens more often than not is the emotions associated with the wrong are escalated, the pain becomes more intense, and the woundedness continues much longer. 

Jesus counsels us to go to the other person so we can engage in a face-to-face conversation.  However, sitting down with a person who has hurt us is not always easy.  Although a face-to-face conversation is the right way to address the hurt we feel has been inflicted on us, it is often gut-wrenching to do.  We have to deal with our fear!

Depending on the nature of the harm done to us, having a face-to-face conversation with the person who has hurt us may actually put us in a dangerous situation.  I think of the young child who has been physically abused over and over by a parent, the teen-ager who has been repeatedly sexually abused by a family member, or the person who has been the victim of a violent crime by someone who suffers from severe mental illness or drug addiction.

Sometimes it may not be advisable to have a face-to-face conversation with the person who has hurt you.  At the least, you both may need to agree to have that conversation in a safe place with a third person present to help maintain a safe and healthy environment.

The betrayal and abuse had gone on for too long…maybe two to three years.  I did not trust the person, felt vulnerable in their presence, and had experienced several failed attempts at reconciliation with that person.  Each conversation left me more and more wounded. 

Finally, that person was out of my life so I did not have to see them nor interact with them.  I began a long journey of self-examination, recovery, and healing.  However, my healing seemed to require something more than I was doing; there was something deep inside that kept gnawing at me. 

Although I was convinced the other person had intentionally hurt me several times, I was also aware that as the abuse continued my attitude toward that person became less and less Christ-like.  I felt stuck with the hurt and harm that had been inflicted on me with no way for deliverance.

After much prayer about the situation and wise counsel from a spiritual coach, I made the decision to go to the person who had hurt me so deeply.  My purpose was to ask forgiveness for my part of what had happened.  My hope was that person would also ask for my forgiveness.

I saw the person standing alone in a large auditorium so I began to approach.  I will tell you that as I walked across the room, I began to feel nauseated.  With every step towards that person, I felt like I was going to loose my lunch. 

Going to that person was one of the hardest things I have ever done.  But, I knew that it was important for my healing to have a face-to-face conversation with the person. 

+It was important for me to acknowledge the harm that was done and to initiate words of forgiveness for my part in what went wrong. 

+It was important for me to do whatever I could to bring reconciliation to that broken relationship. 

+It was important for me to create an environment where the love and power of Jesus could mend deep wounds in me and maybe in that person.

Unfortunately, that person did not acknowledge nor did they take any responsibility for the harm they had caused me.  I acknowledged my part and I did ask for forgiveness.  However, the person did not accept my offer of forgiveness.  Instead, they made a sarcastic remark and walked away.

Going to the person who has hurt us and addressing the pain that has been inflicted on us will often be used by the Holy Spirit to bring reconciliation, restoration, and healing.  However, there are some times when the other person is not yet willing to engage the process of reconciliation. 

If there is any hope of reconciliation and healing for a deep wrong, it is not likely to occur through our digital messaging.  Jesus says we are to go to the other person and engage in a conversation. 

When we do what Jesus says in righting the wrongs, there will be more and more delight released by the Spirit in our heart and in the other person’s heart.

If it does not endanger you or that person, I invite you to go to the person who has hurt you and engage in a conversation.  It is not easy, but it is the right thing to do.

Take Delight In The Lord!

Doug