Hurt Part III–Seek Help!

July 25, 2024

Hurt Part III—Seek Help!

We seemed to be at an impasse.  We had both acknowledged that one of us had hurt the other in more than a superficial way.  The pain was deep, the wound was still raw, and the hurt was impacting our other relationships. 

We had avoided lowering ourselves by engaging one another through digital communication.  Instead, we had been intentional about visiting with one another in face-to-face conversations.  And yet, reconciliation, restoration, and healing seemed illusive.

We were stuck in the pain that one had caused one too many times and the other refused to let go.  Something similar happens to lots of people. 

+The life-long psychological manipulation by a parent finally crosses the line one too many times and we get stuck in the ugliness of the hurt done to us. 

+The lack of recognition of our job performance by our supervisor causes us to miss yet another promotion and we get trapped in the anger of the harm done to us. 

+A close friend’s intentional gossip with our school friends undermines our character and we get fixated on the damage to several meaningful relationships.   

No matter how hard we try, sometimes we seem stuck in the pain that someone has caused in our life.  The good news is Jesus has a third step we can take to bring about reconciliation with the person who has caused that hurt and harm.  We find this step in Matthew 18.

Third, Jesus says if the two cannot achieve resolution, invite another person or two to help with the process of reconciliation. 

Sometimes the person who has caused harm to another person and the person who has been hurt reach a point where reconciliation gets stuck.  They have acknowledged the hurt and they have engaged in face-to-face conversations.  And yet, they are stuck in a place short of full reconciliation.

Jesus has a third recommendation to help bring about reconciliation.  In Matthew 18:16 Jesus says; “But if that one refuses to listen, take along one or two others.”  Often times, the third (or fourth) person is not as easily hooked by the emotion of the hurt in the relationship.  And, they are often more objective when they listen so there is little or no judgement. 

In addition, they are often able to listen more carefully so they can help identify the real issues blocking reconciliation.  In other words, they can often see some possible steps towards reconciliation that neither of the other people can see.       

Of course, it is best if the third (and maybe fourth!) person is one upon which the two of you agree will be helpful in moving both of you towards reconciliation.  It is also helpful if this third person is a Christ-follower who understands the value, meaning, and application of confession, forgiveness, and repentance.  A commitment to repentance is often what immediately proceeds reconciliation.  Repentance is about going in a new direction, changing a behavior, and doing things differently. 

A person who understands the importance of these elements of reconciliation can be quite helpful.  And yet, sometimes including another person or two in the conversation is still not enough.  Sometimes you need someone with additional training and/or life experience to help the two of you work towards reconciliation. 

Fourth, Jesus says if the three or four of you cannot bring reconciliation you are to go to the church and seek wise counsel there.  Sometimes the hurt is felt so deeply or the harm that has been inflicted is so awful that even involving an objective person or two in the reconciliation process is not enough.  This is especially true when;

+Neither person trusts the other person.

+The person who has caused the pain is adamant they have done nothing wrong or hurtful.

+The person who has been hurt is convinced the other person is too dangerous for them to be near.

+The person who has caused the pain has done something very similar several times before and over a long period of time.

At some point, Jesus says it is helpful to seek the wise counsel of a spiritual leader, a pastor, or a mature leader in the church.  In Matthew 18:17 Jesus says; “If the follower refuses to listen to them, report the matter to the church.”

The challenge is that by the time most people seek the counsel of a spiritual leader, they have already made up their mind how the situation is going to end up.  In other words, they reach the point where they are not very open to engaging a process of reconciliation, restoration, and healing. 

They can also reach the point where they feel so deeply hurt they do not have the desire or the energy to engage in doing anything that might make a difference in the relationship.  In other words, they are worn out by the wrong that has been done to them.  A mature spiritual leader can sometimes help the two of you get unstuck so you can move towards reconciliation. 

If you have a disagreement with another person, if you have been deeply wounded by another person, or if you have hurt a person about whom you care, please do not stop short of reconciliation.  Here are some common ways we stop short when we have been hurt. 

1. We deny that what happened actually happened or if it did happen that it was not that big of deal.  In other words, we stop short of acknowledging we have been hurt.
2. We try to work things out in an email, text, Facebook, or some other form of digital communication.  In other words, we stop short of a face-to-face conversation.
3. We try to work things out between the two of us even when those attempts are not bringing about reconciliation and healing.  In other words, we stop short of asking a friend or two to help us move towards reconciliation.
4. We conclude that if the two of us and a couple of our friends cannot find a way to reconciliation either the relationship is not worth saving or it cannot be saved.  In other words, we stop short of asking a spiritual leader with more training and life-experience to help us move towards reconciliation.

The truth is anything short of what Jesus tells us to do when relationships have been injured will rarely bring any real healing, any lasting forgiveness, or any enduring change in behavior or attitude.  But, when we follow the instructions of Jesus in moving towards reconciliation (Matthew 18:15-17), delight will again fill our heart and the heart of the other person.

Maybe its time to engage Jesus’ way of bringing about healing, reconciliation, and restoration in all of our relationships with other people.  Watch and see how the Holy Spirit will pour delight into your life. 

Take Delight In The Lord!

Doug